I know now what “should” did, but back then I didn’t.

As I remember, Mum wasn’t particularly fond of the word “should”. As a small child I’m thinking I must’ve been very fond of that word, because I have retained a vivid recall around what came next if I offered advice to my Mum that she didn’t ask for. It was a show stopper for me. Every. Time.

Perhaps I was allowed to use the word “should” with no repercussions on some occasions, but I clearly remember that if I used the word with an advicey, judgmental tone, I would get this sharp retort:

“Well, you know what should did!”

Clearly I’ve never forgotten those six words. They came out of my mouth like lightning in reply to my husband who was telling me about something I should do. (While he most likely was speaking with the utmost kindness, I heard it much like Mum must’ve heard it from her ‘know-it-all’ child).

“Well, you know what should did!”

To my marked annoyance he immediately gave me a big grin and said, “No. What did should do?” I literally could…. not….. believe….. that he had a comeback! In all honesty, I momentarily wished I had thought of that back then, so I would have yet another story of learning something the hard way. 🙂 I assume my delivery was less intimidating than the one I received from my Mum. (Or maybe my good-natured goof of a husband couldn’t stop himself from pushing my buttons.)

I can honestly say that it never occurred to me to respond any further after I got that retort from Mum. It was clearly, beyond the shadow of any doubt, my message to be quiet.

My unsolicited advice was not welcome.

I was being disrespectful.

I was being judgmental.

I was being ‘holier than thou’.

I was embodying ‘big me/little you’.

And I knew it.

Six words, repeated numerous times, drove the point home after a while.

Telling him the story got us both laughing and then talking about the difference between advice that we seek and advice that’s, well, not sought.

The story got us talking about being judgmental. We talked about how often we avoid folks who are quick to judge and criticize. It caused us to revisit how much we really like the saying

“unsolicited advice = criticism”

And it definitely has created a habit of trying not to say the word “should” without being asked.

I would be remiss not to acknowledge that as I became an adult, and ‘the daughter who is a nurse’, I was solicited often for advice as my parents aged and were ailing. However I remember calling upon that deep knowing about the proper and respectful use of the word should….and it came in handy on many occasions.

So what did should do?

Should learned to wait until advice was asked for.

Should learned not to show up multiple times when only asked to show up once.

Should learned how to apologize.

Should learned to listen.

Should learned respect.

All of this thinking about advice prompted me to wonder what type of advice I would get if I were to solicit it from some young people who are very dear to me.

I asked them, “What advice would you have for the world?”

“Helping people figure out their problems is something everyone should do.” A. Age 7

“Be happy with what you have.” L. Age 10

“Love one another.” A. Age 13

“Get off your phone and live.” R. Age 12

“Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.” A. Age 13

“Learn, so you can know what to believe.” R. Age 12

“Don’t listen to others, follow your own dreams and ambition.” I. Age 13

“E+R=O. The event plus your reaction will give you your outcome so react well and calmly”. I. Age 13

“Chill.” X. Age 15

“Don’t do stupid stuff….but that’s just good life advice.” D. Age 9

“Big people should play more.” M. Age 4

“They could get all the trash off the ocean. They could pick up all the litter and throw it away or recycle. And save the animals- like if a duck gets stuck in a Gatorade wrapper…” C. Age 8

“Umm… to recycle?”
“Don’t litter and be nice!” J. Age 8

A couple of the younger ones weren’t sure what that question meant for them, so I decided to take a risk and change it to :

“What advice would you have for grandparents?”

“Grandparents should take care of kids.” O. Age 5

“Always get the ice cream!” N. Age 8

I invite you to seek out those answers from some kids in your life. Like myself, you may find yourself delightfully amazed!